A Lovely My Immortal Commentary
by Nnoifangirl5
Summary: Yet another commentary on the infamous My Immortal. The story is not mine, and if it were, I would be depressed. Hey, maybe that's why the author is all depressed! Anyways, read it you want, I just wanted to put my opinion in on this...yeah, I don't know what to call it. It's not even fanfiction. Or a story. It's just awful. Anyways, read if you would like!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, Nnoifangirl5 here! I was recently introduced to the awful fanfiction, My Immortal, which I am sure many are familiar with. I have never done a commentary before, and even though I'm sure there are already many commentaries already out there for this story, I wanna put my opinion out there too. And if you don't like it…well…don't read it. But if you do, thank you very much! I don't own this story, and if I did, I would have probably already committed suicide.**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

**I'm scared and the story has not even started. Special fangz, which I'm assuming means "thanks," to her new girlfriend, even though it's not in that way apparently, to her apparently satanic and depressing friend, Raven. This girl helped with her crappy story, probably making it even more crappy than it already is. She apparently "roks". And I believe this girl is in love with Justin Beiber who is the love of her depressing life. And randomly, MCR ROX. Bravo. Well, on with the torture.**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

**Loving the random apostrophe. Should you be in a mental hospital, Miss Damentia Raven Way? Also, I'm pretty sure you don't look like Amy Lee. You may look like a wanna be poser of Amy Lee, but I'm sure people don't walk up and tell you "Oh! You look just like Amy Lee!". By the way, I respect Amy Lee and love her music, so comparing you to her would basically be an insult. Thank you.**

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

**Oh, lovely. She enjoys the thought of incest.**

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).

**A vampire and a witch in one body. Also, I never knew Hogwarts was in England. **

I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow

**I love Hot Topic and I love what they sell there, but you make me never want to go back.**

. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

**Lovely weather and lovely manners.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

**What a conversation. I didn't know Draco was this shy. How odd.**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz**!**

**No, it's not good. I won't tell you "fangz." Good day.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is the second chapter and commentary to this story. Thing. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

**Talking about your satanic and depressed girlfriend again? How lovely. And what exactly do you define as "preps?"**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

**Still beautiful weather, I see.**

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

**What a lovely morning routine. Does the coffin help with your witch side too, or whatever?**

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

**All about the fashion.**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

**Your satanic self insert girlfriend is able to grin at you without opening her eyes? Also, does she sleep in her own coffin too? Same design, I presume?**

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

**Did she just bring Marilyn Manson into this? Oh no, she did. I'm…I'm so sorry.**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

**Loving the awkward silence between the grinning and the waking up and the getting dressed and putting on make-up. Then all of a sudden, "OMFG." Lovely.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

**You and Draco always have the most in depth and interesting conversations, don't you?**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

**Wouldn't it be "Good Charlotte is having a concert in Hogsmeade."? When was the last time you took an English class?**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

**Thanks for letting us know.**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

**Was the gasp your reply?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Nnoifangirl 5 here, with the next chapter! Hope you guys are liking. By the way, I think "lovely" is my word for a while, so excuse me if I use it too much.**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

**So you assume each person flaming your story is a "prep"? How nice of you.**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.

**All this corset stuff…?**

I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

**You could just write a depressing entry in your diary. But go ahead and cut yourself, since you're bored.**

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

**This sounds very similar to your morning routine. Depressing.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

**Who else agrees that Draco would never wear this? And where did the flying car come from?**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

**Exclamation marks are now depressing? How odd.**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

**That sounds very safe. Driving, oh excuse me, flying while doing drugs.**

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

**It's obvious you don't. Those lyrics are better than anything you could ever write.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

**Ooooooh, do I sense jealously from the sad and emo version of Draco?**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

**Wow. Draco is really sensitive now, eh?**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

**She has a blonde face apparently. Maybe she got a spray tan?**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!

**Again, driving under an influence. Oh! And this time they're going to the Forbidden Forest! What else could happen?**


	4. Chapter 4

**This next chapter, is different from all the others. You see, it contains what the author may believe is a valid sex scene, but really is only an example of how immature and inexperienced this girl really is. Let's watch!**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

**I…I could hardly read that. So is her name Ebony or Enoby?**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

**Did you think to park the car before you got out of it?**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

**Awww, all the depression and evil makes you happy! How romantic.**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

**Umm…is that supposed to be sex? May you please define "thingie" and "you-know-what" for me? I don't remember learning about those in health class.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

**I really don't think this one needs a comment.**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

**Dumbledore just called his students that? You have some strange ideas in your little head, dear. I honestly feel sorry for you.**


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

**Again, could anybody read that? Also, I don't think he was mad at them for having sex. Why? I don't think I would define "he put his thingie in my you-know-what" as sex**.

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

**You…ludacris fools…? What kind of Dumbledor is this? Oh, right. His name is "Dumbledeor". Sorry, my mistake.**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

**Did Dumbledore send some sort of telepathic message to Snape and McGonagall to tell them what happened?**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

**Mediocre dunces? What is with your language…?**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

**And the drama commences.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**Why are they letting them go so easily? Just because he said he loved her? **

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

**Yay, more goffik clothing! By the way, did you stop by your room to get the dress, or was it already in the bathroom? Did you steal it? Maybe we should report this to "Dumbledeor."  
**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

**He kinda sounds like a creeper to me. Standing in the girl's bathroom, singing and whatnot.**

**Ok, I have a thought in mind. If you would like your voice spoken about this story (the story, not the commentary), find the story and I can add your commentary in the next chapter if you would like ^-^ Just add it in the reviews, please!**


	6. Chapter 6

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

**Were you even getting good reviews to begin with?**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

**Did you teleport to the Great Hall or something? And since when do they have Count Chocula cereal in Hogwarts?**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

**Anymore? Wait, were we supposed to know previous to this that it's Harry Potter?**

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

**Then why did you say you did?**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

**Vampire? How original.**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

**Well that doesn't sound creepy and sadistic at all.**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

**You roared?**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

**Will you not even describe the conversation? *sigh* Yet another awful chapter, I suppose.**

Review this Chapter


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